Lately, I’ve been feeling all nostalgic about Nate and how much he’s changed these past three and a half years. In some ways it feels like just yesterday that he was born but then there are days, like today, where it seems like he’s been on this Earth much, much longer. I sort of associate this blog with him in a way because he was the reason I dove into this journey; watching my blog evolve and grow has almost coincided with watching Nate develop into the little boy he is today. I can’t even classify him as a ‘toddler’ any more really. He’s almost school-aged, has been totally potty trained for eight months, literally runs every where, talks non-stop… I don’t think there’s a thing about him that could be considered ‘toddler’ any more. Even when he’s fast asleep, he doesn’t resemble a baby or toddler any more! There are nights when I go to sneak one last peek at him before going to bed myself and I swear, I see the teenager he will eventually be one day laying there, snoring away.
Maybe it’s because he’s starting school this September, or maybe it’s because I’ve been going through and printing off family pictures for the gallery wall, or maybe I’m just having a hard time accepting that time is stealing my babies from me, whatever it is, lately I’ve been looking at Nate through different eyes. I’m not seeing him as ‘my baby’ but rather ‘my little boy’. Yes, if you ask him he’ll say “I’m not a bay-bee boy! I a BIG boy!” so when I say little I more mean I see who he’s slowing becoming; a little boy, a boy, a teenager, a young man… I just can’t seem to stop time from passing us by no matter how much I want it to. I’m afraid that one day I’m going to close my eyes and wake up 20 years in the future with both my boys as adults and me wondering where my life went. I used to roll my eyes every time I heard someone complain about how fast time goes by but I get it now. Every day you wake up, your baby is one day older; they’re one day closer to independence and one day closer to not needing you (as much) any more.
Every day Nate wakes up, I swear there’s something about him that seems older to me. I don’t need to cut his nails as often any more. I don’t need to get him dressed fully any more, he’s able to do most of it on his own. I don’t need to get him his snacks from the pantry, he’s learned to climb up onto the cat food bin to get what he wants. I don’t need to correct his alphabet or counting any more because he knows all his letter and can count up to 30 on his own. There’s just so many things that are changing lately and I’m not sure how to cope with it all. I some times find myself feeling overwhelmed or anxious about the boys growing up. I’ve never been one to struggle with anxiety or panic attacks, but when I really stop and think about just how grown up Nate is becoming, I definitely get a small taste of what other people struggle with on a daily basis. My chest physically hurts, there feels like there’s a rock in my stomach, my breathing becomes rapid, and it’s hard to fight back the tears that start to well up in my eyes.
Maybe all these thoughts and feelings are stemming from the fact that in four months, I’ll be going back to work and maybe I needed this quality time off with Nate to really appreciate just how grown up he’s becoming before he heads off to school in September. Maybe I’m feeling guilty that I wished away some of his time as a baby/toddler, whether it was because I was so excited for what was a head or because I was so tired of what we were currently experiencing, perhaps I’m longing to go back and tell myself to enjoy the time while it lasts. Or maybe this is just what every parent goes through from time to time. Whatever ‘it’ is, it’s definitely got me feeling all emotional lately…